I just went through her cupboards. Eye patch and sword. nowhere near each other. different shelfs.
I just put lube in Matt's bellybutton. He looks unhappy.
we found you under the sink... we opened up the doors and you told us to go away because you were playing indian in the cupboard
Puked up what appears to be battery acid next to the treadmill. Everyone noticed.
I feel like someone kicked me repeatedly in the ribs. I don't think sex is supposed to do that.
Just found weed in my belly button. Happy Saturday!
Also, yes, I look pretty rough. But my ovaries fought back this morning so getting dressed decently was not a priority.
PA to anyone at the party last night and wondering where your pants are: they are in my backyard.
I just gave parenting advice and had a discussion about the distribution of wealth in america...in a bar. I'm starting to think its me and not you lol
If you get that boat I will recruit some boat hoes for you and tape a video and sync it to I'm On A Boat. This is happening.
I know it's just really hard to give up sex and cigs during a blizzard
Text me later if you aren't dead and wanna have a drink later
I shall relish in being the most basic of bitches
I'm having a hard time eating my sandwich knowing how many different buttholes my hands were in last night.
I LinkedIn messaged people about jobs when I was blacked out
Randomize
