Why are you at a bar in Connecticut?
Long story. One that now involves lots of delicious chicken wings om nom nom
I unwillingly was the ball between four hungry hippos last night. I thought the one chick was actually going to eat me
And that's when he stuck his finger up his own ass to prove it would feel good...
I got fingered by sexual harassment panda last night, by a van, I can't remember if he took off his furry panda hands...
I gave myself a pep talk in the library bathroom mirror. and then threw up in the sink.
Just bought a 17 year old 40's while wearing a poncho. This behavior is acceptable until I'm 25.
I mean Grimace is basically just a big piece of purple shit and he is loved way more than the hamburglar just to put it into perspective
All I could think of during that funeral was how great I look in a suit, how creepy catholics are, and how horny I am.
When you finally get laid, I shall make you a trophy out of dildos
As a 47 yo who just boned a 22 yo, it was definitely a walk of pride. She is a major feather in my aging cap.
Got drunk and passed out flintstone vitamins to everyone at the bar. I'm just so god damn motherly
So I just stirred my shower drink with my razor.
I'm not going to ask which end you used.
I think you just described to us the most perfect drunken fairy tale that has somehow never been written
I tried to flirt with him by saying "catholics are cool" and he handed me a cup of water so i called him jesus and thanked him for the wine
Its just akward. Everytime he tells me he loves me, I have to respond with, I love having sex with you. and he just stares at me in amazement
Randomize
