My boobs aren't big enough for this kind of lifestyle
oh great. the only prospects for sex left for the night are douchebag in the ed hardy shirt & frodo-looking ass
fuck it... i'll be the lord of his rings
Just got my period. I'm not pregnant with Scott's child and I won't be having any sex tonight. This must be what they mean by bittersweet.
i sneezed during and he said it felt like i gave birth to his dick...then asked me to do it again.
Just try to lay there and not be pregnant.
A guy in a sombrero stopped to take a picture with me sitting on the curb.
She's more than welcome to come too, so long as she has gotten over that me being responsible for the death of her cat thing.
pretty sure if my vagina had a mouth, it would have been smiling afterwards.
I feel like calling off tonight. Is a strong desire for masturbation a valid reason?
I'm doing running of the bulls tomorrow at 7am...except in New Orleans roller derby girls chase you.
WHY THE FUCK IS MY BATH TUB FILLED WITH MUD?!
1. You were drunk 2. You wanted a mud bath\n3. We tried to talk you out of it, but you kept throwing dirt at us
Listen. You dont know how advanced you are in yoga till you have to shave your butthole
And since we used to fuck you are absolutely obligated to like my tweets
I'm just going to take a nap and hope I wake up more attractive.
my favorite part of this morning was sitting at the gynecologist smelling like cigarettes and wearing yesterday's clothes.
Randomize
