Holy cold harsh reality of sobriety batman
I thought the fact that I took home a 42 year old with 3 kids would excuse my tardiness this morning because my boss is also 42 and has 3 kids. Boy was I wrong.
So we went to home depot to buy supplies to build a beer bong but ended up buying an office water cooler that were going to put vodka in
I smuggled my gin and tonic out of the bar by shoving the glass in my pocket...mistakes were inevitable.
He ended up walking out of his bedroom and told me to look at the nonexistent fire he was holding in his hand. Im upset I didn't take those shrooms.
Nothing like moscato in your sinuses tobmake your night complete
I drank a girls breast milk at this wedding. Shit was next level
Side note: I just realized that I can make my hand warmers double as a heated push up bra.
Well my mom knows that the welt I had on my forehead last month was the result of a sex accident. This holiday sucks
While I'm here in reality dreaming of catching chili cheese fries with my mouth out of t shirt guns like Jesus is real
Listen, I've got balls in my face can I call you back
Nothing like a dick pic from your fave ex to make you audibly exhale sadly.
I mean it's up to you where you want to sleep but I'm telling you you're going to hear us have sex no matter what room you're in.
Fair enough
I got snowed in at my parent's. everyone's asleep so I'm smoking a joint in my old room and watching Tarzan on a 12" tv.
They must be so glad to have you home...
My life is far to together for someone who's such a hot mess inside
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