my brother is so whacked out on percocet from hurting his legs that he started crying because his belly button was so cute
you ever fart during an orgasm? feels like u just lost 10 pounds
Nothing says Happy Thanksgiving like having to pee in a condom for my cousin so that he can pass a drug test.
We were just about to get down to business and shes like oh the olympics! and jumped up and turned on the tv. cockblocked by freestyle skiing. seriously?
Who won mens moguls?
That canadian guy... bilodeau... but you're missing the point, dude.
I pretty much envision me eating a turkey leg whilst fucking you. I have priorities.
In the sauna. Drunk. When I close my eyes I think I'm a dog. Is that wrong?
Next person that gets my dog drunk is paying to have my carpet cleaned. I am tired of getting up to pee and stepping in dog barf.
If you wake up soonish don't worry. I took your dog to burger king and now we're going to see some nice girls.
Just warning you the last time I had captain Morgan I gave a blow job to a guy that looked like Jesus.
A little sexual choking never killed anyone. And if it did, they died happy.
Hatred of squirrels is the least of my hereditary problems.
How'd your Tinder date go?
Well, I met his girlfriend...
i got to his house for our first date at the same time as his dealer, so what I'm saying is I'm in love
Well I typed "penicillin a" into the search engine and before I could finish "penicillin and drinking" popped up. Google knows me too well.
The date did not go well. Turns out I once set her brother on fire.
Randomize
