He said he only talked to me because I talk dirty in bed.
Welp...herpes.
Wearing the BK Crown on the throne while dropping the kids off at the pool? Yes, one of my life's goals. Win
I'm not gonna lie. having my legs shaved for me in the morning was a lovely surprise.
Holy mother of cocks. I was grind-with-my-boss drunk last night.
I think I may be stoned foreverrrrrrrrr. The earth has been around for a long time.
Did you hear me? I HAVE THE CONTENTS OF AN NBA PLAYER'S CONDOM IN MY BEDROOM TRASHCAN!! This shit is potentially worth millions of dollars to a fertile young female who is ovulating. How do I sell it fast??
yeah its nbd she just bit me in the face. be there soon
I just made the answer to all my security questions "fuck you" with various levels of ! marks. I may regret this in the morning.
Good morning sunshine. Care to hear the riveting tale of Michelle and the Almost Great Night That Ended In An Early Morning of Karma Emptying It's Bowels On Her Guilty Shoulders?
Come to the roof. We are drinking breakfast.
I damn near set my vagina on fire. WHILE The Flaming Lips played in the background. Intensely apropos.
The guy whose porn password I use finally renewed his membership. Lazy fucker had been slacking all summer.
I can't open my mouth wide enough to make full use of this snapchate update
then this guy just runs in screaming, "cant you see my daughter pissed herself???!!!" and that was the start of my 2016.
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