So.. my mom just told me she hasn't gotten laid in 7 years... I'm really disturbed.. at the same time... At least now I know why shes so damn cranky all the damn time
Please don't tell me you're asking me to have sex with your mother.
I dinstinctly remember making out to "I believe I can fly" and waving my arms like a bird to the beat.
This is ridiculous. It's like playing possible STD Clue, and I don't want to be the winner.
I left boob prints on the hood of his car. Something to remember me by.
come parachute off the vicodin airplane with meee
This coming from the girl who broke up with a guy because she found out he played the tuba in middle school.
I decided I'm going to give him a celebratory fuck for his accomplishments. Knocked on his door, handed him some condoms and said "I'll be over tonight with sex and booze"
I want to be you.
Change the recording on your voicemail. He found your number and my ass print on the car hood.
drinking vodka, listening 2 smh at 530am slow cooking beef stew. you'll enjoy the stew and worry abt me in the morning. bon apatite
Dear Jesus. Send me strength to not suck cock this morning.
What if he stabs me in the back, mid-orgasm, as I sit on his face? It'd be a miraculous way to go but that's not the point
I caught myself caressing my own hand while nurturing a glass of bourbon. I think it's time to get back out there.
Woke up next to a half eaten Philly Cheesesteak. Honestly probably one of the top 3 things I've ever woken up next to.
In my defense I didn't know there was concrete on the other side of that fence when I tossed him over it.
You're both fucking idiots and this is why I should never let you two drink alone.
I haven’t sent any nudes yet in 2018.
That’s not true...is it?
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