Sadly no. But I was pantsless when they came to get me. Which made me miss you...
He drunk dialed T-Mobile at 3am and talked to them for 45 minutes and got his phone bill lowered from $80 to $60... Best drunk dial ever.
I want a vodka facial right about now. I'm talking about straight vodka bukkake
I hope so. I just start to question my lifestyle when i pee on coffee tables
hey you forgot your wet suit in my room you can come grab it whenever
test run with donkey pinata disastrous. broken glass and tequila EVERYWHERE
Sneezing blood is a good thing right? Medically speaking.
Who knew that "When in doubt, pelvic thrust" would end up being the best motto ever? In other news, I think I may have joined roller derby.
I just tried to order ice cream on my bagel. I think I should just call it
We're in a hurricane and you send me a video of you playing with your dick while driving! You wanna die?!
She'd probably like you more if you'd stop fucking her husband.
After 8 hours of circus trick sex, his parents are both hugging me and kissing me on the cheek asking when I'm coming back over. Score?
I kept falling all over the place and yelled at the bouncer you can't kick me out I'm from Texas.
i fucked his best friend. once right next door to him. i'm pretty sure that could be called sweet revenge.
I woke up in a bathtub full of green and blue Nickelodeon slime! wtf?!
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