insurance, jail, and birth control were made for people like us.
I'm so hungover that the internet is hard.
Playing drinking games to Nancy Grace totally counts as "keeping up with current events.."
I just accidentally stumbled into an AA meeting...I think its a sign
She just messaged me 19 sad faces.
He's having a heart to heart coversation with the keg about what he should do with his life.
My fuck buddy took time out of his date with his girlfriend to text me happy Valentines Day.
How was the party? Lets put it this way: "He wants her dick" was a factual sentence stated last night.
How many trips to the liquor store in a week constitutes alcoholism?
"I'm in the bathroom. Only place I can sit and relax without that girl trying to give me a lap dance."
hand jobs are a waste of time that only lead to arm cramps. Also, where do you look...his eyes, at the penis, at the tv?
yeah the "where to look" question is super awkward
No, it's cool, I just bounced from the hospital. I was...talking to a security guard, maybe?
I just had to kick out lesbian wedding crashers. They literally wanted to punch me. I threatened to call the cops so they went outside and smoked a joint.
i told her i loved her afterwards and she said "i know," kissed me, and got up to start making breakfast.
dude, she han solo'd you. keep her.
Who doesnt want to be Yoda? I mean seriously, how sweet would that be? Live to 400, not give a shit about love and all that, know fucking mind tricks and smoke awesome swamp weed. I'm down.
Randomize
