Ha. Yes. I'm at a strip club. I'm the barack obama of strip clubs
don't tell her this, but while we were doing it doggy style I picked up my phone and changed my status to "who let the dogs out"
I almost didn't wake up for my first day of work. The 3rd bottle of champagne was a mistake. And the 2nd bottle of wine after that was probably excessive
We walked because you started screaming when you finally realized he wasn't Ben Bailey and it wasn't the Cash Cab.
Dude we need to petition the city about running buses later, none of my booty calls own cars
Did you ever stop and think that god invented whiskey dick specifically for me
Just saw a 300lb woman fall down. Shes screaming like a beached manatee. Her 120lb boyfriend is trying to push her up. It's like watching an infant try to bench
There's something odd about buying beer for the first time while wearing my school sweater from kindergarten, but I don't mind.
He could have been a one armed faceless howler monkey. I was so slammered that I didn't care what I was having sex with or if whatever it was... was doing it right.
Was in the middle of a keg stand, the frat guys dropped me, and I broke my nose. My mom didn't enjoy that call from the hospital.
I'm standing at the bottom of the driveway w a sign that says plow me
Cocaine can totally be concealed as MAC finishing powder. Drug dealer creds just went up 120 percent
fries before guys. food before dudes. shakes before dates. chips before dicks. lemon bars before football stars. macaroni before screwin' tony. what i'm saying is please come to ladies' night
*6am blends another margarita* *615am blends straight tequila*
He showed me a picture of his family on Instagram and his dad was my Sugar Daddy. ABORT.
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