I forgot i ate a salad for dinner, so while i was barfing in his toilet, i kept screaming "i ate leaves?? i cant believe you let me eat leaves!"
and all i could think was, am i really about to have sex with someone who still thinks that pee comes out of the actual vagina?
you ever get that eerie feeling when you walk in a room, when you know youve barfed here before.
Things found in my vomit last night: cell phone, Von Hayes rookie card, a boot, my dignity
I got used. This is the happiest day of my life. I was just a huge cock and that is all she needed.
I wanna get "leaving my dick in charge" drunk.
You should know me better than that. I don't whore around. I promise this is a blowjobs only kind of trip.
Found trail of ibuprofen on ground. I'm like the intervention version of e.t.
Idk man, she was drunker than me and i was sitting there talking to a raccoon about it's broken leg.
I woke up in a trash can. Please dude. I don't know what I did to you last night, but I'm sorry. Epically sorry. Please call me back. Please.
New York City is dangerous when the only bars you go to are the ones that have 'open' in front
Yeah man, you were grinding with his wife, I wouldn't be worried about it
Can't be considered a walk of shame if you pick up donuts on the way home
I JUST SNEEZED WITH A MOUTHFUL OF CHEWED UP CASHEWS AND THEY CAME OUT MY NOSE AND IT HURT AND NOW I HAVE A LITTLE NOSEBLEED
She never came back from the bathroom so I went to look for her... I was in my room and heard this rustling. And she was in my closet petting ties.
Randomize
