even my worst enemy doesn't deserve a bush like that
Thanks for ditching me last night. I got a ride home from the Dominos delivery guy. You owe me 3 large pizzas.
I'm sending you this that that when you wake up and see the girl sleeping next to you, you know who to thank
his roommates stood outside the locked door reading bible verses to us the whole time...
margarita scented body wash shouldn't be used the morning after cuervo. there should be a warning on the label.
Pregnancy confirmed. Complete emotional instability achieved. I just cried through 95% of Avatar.
the boat had a sign not to jump off the roof of it, which gave us the idea to jump off the roof of it
i didnt think "maybe you should take over" was a good thing to say when i couldnt get it up
Dipping doritos in ranch. Why doesn't he love me?
Based on the grey fur I pulled from my teeth, I think her vagina has mice.
I forgot that places existed where drinking on Sunday is frowned upon. It's just so unreasonable.
I know you're on a date and I should leave you alone but about twenty minutes ago I realized I haven't been spanked in years so if you're still looking for a birthday present, you know, consider it.
I made a half way decent playlist
Im gonna call it "hanging myself"
Why did I not realize how important my fridge was till I was drunk. It keeps all my food cold its like my own cold box
I think I'm gunna glue a sign to my head that says "WAKE ME UP BEFORE 7!" And go to sleep and hope a kind passer by wakes me up for my exam .
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