I'm saving my limes so I'll know how many drinks I've had.
I do the same thing, but I use ice cubes.
Things he has used as lube on me: olive oil, cologne, purell, spit, tanning oil, and bottled hotel lotion
He needs to save up for some actual ky before my vagina gets an allergic reaction
I hope whoever gets these locks of love doesn't have a drug test anytime soon
I have fb friend requests from two random swedish brothers... Must have something to do with that hostel I stumbled into on mardi gras
You going out tonight?
No I am at the hospital. Throwing up blood is apparently frowned upon.
My favorite part was walking in the bathroom, you fixing yourself in the mirror, calling your reflection a fag, then throwing a haymaker into the paper towel dispenser before going back out to the bar.
1 month til my stepdad becomes a u.s. citizen, so if you want to get in on the divorce pool its your last chance, $5 a square.
at some point i feel off my bar stool straight into the arms of a gay guy. just my luck.
Welp, dad and I drunkenly sang Christmas carols until the police told us to stop. I vote Xmas eve a success
I ordered more beers for everyone but had to finish them all. I promptly went outside and projectile vomited in the street. Three times.
And you said I'm not athletic, I rubbed one out with my sports band on, it's the same as walking 1/4 mile.
He understood my need for pizza was more important than my need for sex. He's the one.
sorry for pouring tequila vodka and whiskey down your throat and left you to sleep on a table
I have to hand it to her. In my heyday I took home the 'biggest shitshow of the night' award 9 times out of 10. But I passed the torch on to her last night, and she went skipping merrily far and away with it into the enchanted world of aggressive alcoholism. Is this 30?
And now, by the power vested in me by the state of intoxication, I now pronounce you fucking awesome.
Randomize
