A little girl and i are having a face making battle in mcdonalds
She started it, but I totally finished it.
He was sucking on my finger.... and it was at that moment that I thought: Man. I wish I had a penis.
it's not gay if you rub your penis between their butt cheeks and pretend they are tits
You asked the waitress for a vasectomy and handed her a butter knife, like you were ordering something from the menu
it will be a sad day when drinking racks of keystone isnt socially acceptable anymore
My professor just suggested making the state of the union more interesting by turning it into a drinking game. Brilliant!!
so i hit rock bottom, god threw me a shovel. i continued to dig.
Found my puke from September encrusted to the floor under the dresser while cleaning before move out ..... Oh Freshman year
Remember that foreign guy who never talked last night? He just came out of my bathroom when I woke up.
You have all of her herpes and none of my sympathy
They shouted last call and the guy next to me and I looked each other up and down and went in unison "yup, you'll do"
Just had hot animal sex with the guy who had been sending me 10 second selfie snapchats for the past month
Omg that was my second thought of the morning.
First was that we had pop tarts.
Turns out the guy I did all that coke with the other night is a cop
We're dating now
so I just realized.. of my 70k student loan debt, most of it went toward bar tabs, eightballs, and sweet-ass ties to wear to gamedays and other people's weddings. I think about shit like this while I'm at my mid-level management position. you know. "working."
Look upon your future, America, and despair.
Randomize
