i'm all for saving the environment, but when we get into the shower to fuck, he shouldn't flip his shower hourglass timer
Hey, remember that girl at rocklobster you thought was hot but were to pussy to talk to? You were right, her boobs are fake and she gives the best head on the planet. Can you come pick me up?
You're dead to me.
I think vodka calistinics prior to and during beer olympics was a bad idea
Revenge fucks should not count towards the total number. They're justified.
I guess I puked all over my hand too and I just looked at my roommate and said, "fix this."
it was either a really good one night stand or a really really good first date. thank you online dating
I'm going out w/ her for her b-day in a bit. I just talked to one of her drunk friends on the phone who asked if I could "handle 7 lesbian." This could be interesting.
you puked in the bathtub and said "let them pee"
I had a 10 minute conversation with the refrigerator, it was telling me how it likes to be opened and closed. Ecstasy, I love you.
I did all i could do but i woke up smelling like cigars and theres salsa all over my face
This is an alert from the drunk police: you have reached the point of no return. Text messages past this point are illegible.
you put your dick on my shoulder this morning like it was a fucking parrot
He was so wasted he lit his sink on fire with shit he found in his room....it was smokeless. Chemistry majors drunk = the coolest shit ever.
The Domino's delivery guy is in front of me at The Wendy's drive-through. Hmmm.....
You’ve seen my tits of course he broke his wedding vows
Randomize
