My 12 y/o god son's bandmate just asked me to their school dance. Still he's a better catch than the last one...
If my vagina had boots, it would be shaking in them.
my boob sweat smells like rotting zombie flesh
is this your pickup line?
we turned his baptism video into a drinking game
I don't know which is a more impressive stolen object. The couch from a sheer logistical viewpoint, or the parking meter because i'm pretty sure that's a federal offence.
Shoot me. I need tickles, a drink, sushi and a handy
Order is debatable
What did he say? I couldn't hear him over the sound of how awesome his beard is.
I'm eating crumbled blue cheese out of Tubbaware. My life is nothing.
She's cute, but batshit. Like some kind of dominatrix disney princess.
my brain is opting to stay half drunk rather than relearn how to think. the rest of me is in no position to argue.
You've lost booty call privileges between the hours of 10pm and 8am.
i definitely signed you up to receive text message notifications from a jukebox last night. Not even sorry.
We kept having to tell you that you couldn't just sit wherever you wanted at Walmart. Sitting in the middle of the raw meat section was unacceptable and children were staring at you.
I'm extremely upset that I wasted my "having sex with a guy at work" card on him
Next thing I know her tits are out on my desk. It was straight out of a porno. What was I supposed to do I’m not made of stone
Randomize
