im typing and i feel like my hands are on backwards.
Stop texting me, I'm right here.
shes wearing a jean skirt, its frayed. i got this
If it wasnt for my iphone and loopt, I would still be wandering the streets in a drunken stooper. Thanks Steve Jobs.
.....so he has a son. Josh. That is not his roommate
I had to remind him that there is no "age exchange rate" between the u.s. and spain, and that 16 will always equal 16
Oh shit. Easter I forgot. Maybe we should leave the illegal stuff for when Jesus is less present.
Me either. I want to get 'chase a stray cat through the neighborhood in my hooker heels' drunk. And it's your birthday, so you have to get 'best friend holding your hair while you puke in the bar bathroom and cry about your life' drunk. In a feather boa.
Last night he asked the cab driver "if you were in the middle of getting tattooed and the tattoo artist suddenly got a boner would you leave or would you get that boner??"
He went THROUGH MY PHONE (he's 30 for God sake) then asked me why I was stringing along 12 guys... I told him he could have just asked me if I was banging other people and then saved himself from looking at pics of dicks bigger than his.
Why must everything this weekend have to do with something going into or coming out of my vagina?
Yeah I blacked out in a wiener costume.... I think I'm ready to come home now.
I'm sure as hell not getting hoodwinked into going back to rehab again
Chili is not acceptable fuck buddy food.
Did you hear about the guy wearing a spiderman mask running around naked with a bottle of patron?
Yeah.
I was spiderman.
I just puked into a clean basket of laundry.
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