oh my god I didn't know your sister was this good at french kissing
I just want you to know that were having pizza delivered to the emergency room
the recent google searches were "were can i buy a porn horse, why does my heart hurt after drinking, and orlando's teen night..." your thought process perplexes me
Well I say she's a whore. All four of her kids have different last names.
BUT, one is Johnson and the other is Johnston. She gets some credit for that
This is the last weekend of getting drunk and having sex all nite with the plumber. I'm exhausted all weekend and I'm never going to finish the remodel at this rate
He also informed us that it's rude to shove your tit in someone's mouth. Happy Monday.
He actually just looked up and said I'm gonna cum in my pants. and he did. no shame.
You pole danced in your parka.
Don't talk to me about lonely until you're eating marshmallows for dinner in your underwear watching House of Cards for 12 hours straight. I hate all you couples
I was really proud of me too last night! Found a discarded hamburger that I have no memory of at the foot of the bed. Instead of a Dude. I'm really growing as a person
My sex toys have been held in customs for almost a month now. They're British, what the hell?!?
Nope. Im a prince of the americas. I treat my women like future queens. Also, im drunk watching the royal wedding
I got home and he was wearing a suit. He said he reason was because it was shirt and tie Saturday and that he won't change until midnight. He then proceeded to answer the door in a British accent.
At some point you said you just wanted to get laid, so we had a moment of silence for your dead sex life...
Mom just walked in on a bj. IT'S WHATEVER.
Randomize
