I was being carried out of the bar, but then my friend saw Pat who just got kicked out scaling the wall to sneak back in, so he carried me back in, sat me on the bar stool, and the bartender just let us all keep drinking.
Being persistent has its perks my friend.
Where'd you guys get the alcohol from?
Oh. Some homeless guy we picked up from I-70. He bought us $400 worth of alcohol in exchange for a shower.
...... wtf.
Packing up everything in the dorm. Silly bands to unused condom ratio is ridiculous.
Just saw my bank statement. It literally goes liquor store pizza place liquor store pizza place bar bar bar liquor store pizza place 711 for snacks withdrawl for drugs rinse and repeat
I'm really really gonna try not to at least one night. The 4 day thanksgiving bender almost killed me last year
I left a care package of Jack Daniel's, pancake mix and porn in your apartment. Merry fucking Christmas.
Why the hell did you invite him? He's gonna bring two more inches of dick and zero fun.
I need to stop drinking alone, I wrote a love letter to my tattoos
Alright, text me when you get close. I've got a mustache and I'm ready to get my day drunk on.
Sorry, I am not your wing girl tonight,. in my pjs, eating cereal from the box. Hell I only shaved the inside of my legs just so they wouldn't itch. Not happening.
As I read your response saying I need a tan before I can become a go-go dancer, a girl cane up to work and gave me 10 coupons for 100 days of tanning for a dollar.
This is fate. You were destined to be a stripper.
You very well can't change your mind now. It would upset the natural flow of life.
I told my coworker that I'm going to a dinner party and was asked to bring wine and pregnancy tests and he was like.. I miss being 20
Don't Richard Nixon her vagina
I mean you can one up her. Instead of ruining friendships you can ruin marriages.
Puking out the window is really hard when you're the one driving.
Randomize
