We must be getting old. All of our friends are having kids and they aren't illegitimate.
I swear it's like I have a jerk off quota I have to meet each week. If I miss three days I have a wet dream and it's like a wasted jizz, and it gets everywhereeeeeee.
Obama is so hot when he ends wars.
Until then we have the self affirmation from retweets and nights alone with pizza..
Dude he was freaking out because he thought he was walking on crates, and he just kept saying help me
Do you have any idea how horrifying it is to hear your sister and her husband fucking then immediately go down stairs only to hear your parents fucking....... I wish I was Hellen Keller right now.
She called my landing strip a "vagina mohawk"....
Lesbians are weird.
I peed on his girlfriend's loofah during our post-sex shower.
Returning my drunken purchases from last night. Not a single thing I bought was on sale.
He's an acquired taste, like S&M or those crunchy things they put in salads
Croutons?
When you're a bigshot ER surgeon and I'm a starving artist, I want you to remember who held your hair last night.
My husband has seen you naked more times this week than me. I don't consider it a bad thing since you keep bringing the booze to our house. And because my tits are bigger.
I force fed him french fries and then proceeded to tell him how sexy corgi’s are … it’s safe to say he’s not texting me for a second date.
I'm not gonna be naked if your not here. Thats like a waste of nakedness
he asked me for a magic BJ...is that supposed to be different from a normal BJ?
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