I feel like our bond as friends is a lot stronger now that I've talked to you on the phone while having sex.
What can I say...he's packing some serious heat down there. You wouldn't expect that looking at him, huh?
I guess God knew he was going to be bald...
Never name a vibrator after ashton kutcher
my credit card is covered in vodka and bad memories
i love that you felt the need to clarify that you don't actually have drugs in your vagina.
He went bowling in his bathroom.. And shattered the toilet.
Holy. Crap. I just found a hickey on my bikini line. He never got my pants off. WHO IS THIS MYSTICAL HOOKUP WIZARD?
You should hear the lecture my mom just gave me about cooking pizzas when im drunk because "I could have died".
We got buck wild in our animal onesies last night. You kept ripping off your tail in angry rages.
How long can I keep it classy to hook up in my old office building? Two more years? Does it get weird after 30?
Does it make me immature that I debated going to this baby shower stoned, or am I normal as shit and everyone our age are having babies too young?
The only person I have to bring is crazy hospital guy
HE'S NOT INVITED!!!
The guy I screamed at across the bar for booing the Bruins ended up buying me shots I had to explain to him there's not a chance in hell I would ever fuck a Canadian! #Bostonstrong
I'm in the woods tripping balls the water is rising why don't you answer me
I had to try on three different bathing suits to hide my boob hickies
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