So remember when i bet you that girl uses dick to validate her existence?
...yea
She's valid.
I overheard a kid saying to his mom at Walmart: "Mommy.. should we buy cups for daddy's spit?"
how does Santa get into Hogwarts?
His was the first dick to ever be in my mouth... Of course I'm going to the wedding.
There's never a time that i stay at this apartment that when i wake up in the morning and sit outside to smoke a cigarette that i don't feel ashamed of myself.
You were screaming across the bar "BUYING US SHOTS ISN'T GOING TO MAKE US STRAIGHT, YA KNOW!!!!!!!!"
I CAN'T DO THIS MUCH FABULOUS BEFORE LUNCHTIME
Okay. This morning the comforter was wet, you were underwearless and using a tiny blanket. What'd you do??
Now I have to set an alarm for less than 6 hours from now to wake her up, get her showered and get her to her first day of tutoring a kid from her church. WTF is my life?
i don't think i have enough personality to make it through this date sober.
Dude, I work in two hours. Unless you can find Chris Hemsworth and convince him to have a three-way with us, I'm not getting out of bed.
OMG he dropped his pants for me. Granted it was to show me where he got stabbed but still...
I fucked R2D2 last night. I consider Star Wars day a success.
Philosophical question for you: is it better to go into work slightly drunk or slightly coked out?
I woke up with eight different shoes in my bed what the hell happened last night
Randomize
