I can't make any promises. I've tried my best to stay celibate. But if a guys on top of me, Im gonna tell him to stick it in.
Just fucked a hooker at a motel in New Jersey. Two states down, 48 to go.
operation have a gay friend backfired
how drunk are you?
What does that even mean anymore?
Hindsight: maybe I should have included a few transitional texts in between talking about your son and my need to have sex. Do over?
I'm just gonna be the bigger person here and say I want you inside me
Apparently "I have the beer shits" isn't the excuse my boss wanted to hear. So sue me
With a stable of 7 fuck buddies, I literally use a random number generator to determine the order in which I will booty call them on my way home from work. I have not slept in my own bed in a month. I just keep half my clothes hanging in my car or in a suitcase.
That edible kicked in right as I was upside-down on that rollercoaster. Fucking.mind.blown.
ACTUALLY FUNNIEST MOMENT OF THE NIGHT WAS WHEN YOU WERE TALKING TO HIM AND YOU SAID "WHEN YOU MEET ME IN REAL LIFE I WILL BE A LOT ANGRIER." And then he said "WHEN I MEET YOU IN REAL LIFE I WILL BE LESS DRUNK, HOPEFULLY."
for some reason leaving your socks onmakes it less meaningful.
Also I told several people at the bar last night that my dad the alligator wrestler died wrestling an alligator. So if anyone asks that's real.
She's eating hot cheetos out of the bag with chopsticks, Matt, how is she NOT my soulmate?
I don’t know if I’m nauseous or just disgusted with myself.
Xanax, wine, and giving the neighbor blue balls. How about you?
Jesus, it’s Tuesday morning! Not back stage with Motley Crew
Randomize
