You drink too much
No, I drink just the right amount - too often.
I did that thing where I cum for no reason again.
Can you believe The 5th Element didn't get best fight scene in 1997?! I'm still bitter. 12 years later.
Haha how do you remember that?
HOW COULD I FORGET?!
i like how i just referred to his pregnant wife as the "other" melissa and you didn't even judge me.
I just remember her telling me "Hi, my names Kaissa and I'm a lesbian" over and over and over and over again as I was crying.
My fingers feel amazing. Their going like 100 MPH!!
HOLY SHIT. SHIT THAT IS HOLY. HOLY OF THE SHIT.
in line at jewel. the cashier is puking in a garbage can while ringing up customers. glad to know im not the only one that 2012 is kicking in the face already.
It's like a new game! Find out if he's circumcised without actually seeing it
I got so drunk at the hockey game I bought everyone behind me in concession line a funnel cake.
turns out it took a Belgian couchsurfer dressed as Heisenberg to rock my world.
Got home & pissed on my moms carpet like a bear in the woods. I woke up to a picture message with me passed out on the floor with my pants down & hands covering my face. I've had an awkward week
Swiping left on your brother's Tinder account is possibly the worst way to learn he broke up with his girlfriend.
I guess the weekly d&d orgies are treating you well
Remember that cop that blew me in the parking lot a few weeks ago? He's possibly with his wife and kids shopping at Target.
Im goin to jail bro ill talk to u sun
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