you kept yelling something about watching the muppets chirstmas carol and trying to turn the t.v. on with your car keys
Woke up in an unfamiliar basement in a sleeping bag with Matt to a police officer shining his flashlight in my eyes and asking me my birth date and social security number. My morning went swimmingly.
Any time before 12:00pm. Can go fuck itself.
so my phone autocorrects 'retard' to 'retaaahd'. i LOVE being a masshole!
The hot Japanese girl in my class just said her "favorite sexy American actor is Nick Cage." That, I can work with.
after he gave me a diploma for giving him amazing head, getting a regular diploma isnt all that cool.
she called me a fuckfaceshitdick. not that's creative. it sounds like a crayola crayon, preferrably an orange-brown shade.
We gotta make a movie eventually. All good, long-lasting relationships include a homemade porno
I know I'm not the first to fuck in a park but i deserve props for doing it at 3pm. On a sunny day might I add.
Someone came into our hotel room and took our remote
What should I do?
You called me your momma bear, and then demanded more vodka
I just had to close my blinds so my neighbors wouldn't see me drinking a beer at 9 am. GO CHIEFS!
You can't just snapchat me a picture of a pregnancy test and then not answer your phone
Glass of stolen champagne in a to go cup = tastiest hangover cure ever
You're so sweet in the most vulgar ways
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