I hate your face
Also I am about to cut a ringtone from "Sex Machine" so James Brown can tell me to "get up, get on up" in the morning
I once woke up to the scream from 'get up offa that thing' and smacked my head on my desk
I'm not really sure how I got home, but judging by this headache, i'm assuming it involved bourbon.
No gym. Sooooo hung over. Just puked up the water I drank and it still has ice cubes in it.
when i came out to my mom, it was over brunch. i was eating a banana. not exactly my smartest breakfast choice.
You sent her a pic of your dick with 'guess what you cant have anymore' written on it with a marker.
Our first time hooking up was on New Years and we've managed to hook up every holiday since, I'm hoping this lasts until 2016 just to fulfill my American Holiday sex fantasy I never knew I had
I put in a tampon while driving a moving vehicle. I feel like this is simultaneously a new low and the sort of feat that deserves a merit badge.
I guess you never know how much of an impact you have on someone until you sleep with their cousin
MY LIFE IS A TRAINWRECK THATS ON FIRE BUT SOMEHOW STILL MOVING, I HAVE THE RIGHT TO SCREAM OUTSIDE AT 2AM
Quick question, did I crash teeth with you when I snogged you, or did I headbutt something between the car and the bed last night?
Emergency thong? Check! Suspension bondage is a go!
Just saw the cop you hooked up with over break. He’s def hotter in uniform.
Tell him to stop shaving his pubes. #Notmyjam
I want to conceive our bastard child on an athletic field. Why can't we make this happen?
I think I fell asleep on my pizza last night. Damn, I am sauccccy.
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