Too bad my picture didn't come thru. It was one of me naked riding a unicorn with a wizard hat and a magic staff. And the unicorn had wings. And me too.
Big sunglasses are the new paper bag
ya. and they're way easier to confince girls to wear during sex
That girl's pussy is like White Castles, you crave it once in awhile, but you know next morning you regret eating it.
Sorry I didn't text you for coffee this morning...bad life decision Saturday sorta rolled into Monday...
No one figured out why I brought along the vibrating massager.
He just dragged himself across the floor on his back claiming to be "the swiffer" help
In the wise words of Scar: "be prepared."
Do you think Scar was a Boy Scout?
Do you think next time you could control the yawn? Kind of a buzzkill to be mid-orgasm and see you yawning over there.
Trying to put a fitted sheet on drunk is one of the boss levels of slutty adulthood.
I've grown it out to 70s proportions. I'm calling it my chastity pelt.
at one point while they were drilling into my jaw I just remember thinking "will I ever be able to suck dick again"
i just hope we're both dead or in prison at the same time
I accidentally sent my dad a very explicit Star Wars fanfiction and he replied with "That was great!"
Im just drunk enough to admit that I miss Hannah Montana.
I just discovered my new vice. Cotton candy vodka. Its like a carnival in my mouth, puking of the tilt-a-whirl included.
Randomize