I'm at the psychiatrist, and this lady is crazy.. she keeps yelling about how her HMO insurance gave her breast cancer? Adderall isn't worth this.
He had on juicy sweatpants and thats when i knew he was no longer a threat.
This is random, but did i give u a handjob in the middle of the night or was that a dream?
My mom called me and we started arguing as usual. I finally screamed at her "I HEAR YOU AND THAT 30 YEAR OLD FUCKING!" and hung up. She hasn't called back yet. I win.
That would explain his violent outburst while watching barefoot contessa...
Someone just asked if you were the one who rode around the bar on some girls back
Clearly it doesn't get better with age. Just more sexual
he puked all over my guest bed and the said he felt good enough to clean it up. he poured bleach all over the bed and passed out in it. he had the chemiacal burn for a month...
I'm just sitting here drunk and eating peas because my life sucks
i knew my hormones were back to normal when i went to ikea and didn't want to fuck any of the workers
He woke up to me masturbating during the presidential address. Now he won't stop making jokes.
3 words: harry potter burlesque. My life is so much more awesome than yours right now.
He was gone for 5 minutes, opened the car door and said, "Don't eat my shit." and dropped Chipotle on the passenger seat. He was gone for another 10 minutes and came back with Coldstone. That stoned.
Interesting fact: if you wanted to rename a guy Jeff, just tell him you only fuck Jeffs. Magically whatever name he was using is actually his middle name cause he doesn't like going by Jeff.
i passed out in front of ihop...for the second night in a row. i think i need to reevaluate my life choices
Randomize
