All she gave me for breakfast was raw toast. How can she expect me to eat raw toast?
You mean bread?
He's the biggest piece of shit to ever exist. He's not even wearing shoes.
I thought this kinda shit only happens to ugly people
She just left after she spent the past 2.5 hours fuckin the shit out of me. I'll put that in the logbook as a cross country
I found out what happened to that girls weave last night. It was draped over a bush in my backyard.
I woke up to my dog puking on my bed. Looks like it was a successful night for us all.
I guess I'm in a committed relationship. We just had shot 1 of 3 of Gardasil. I'm now dead inside.
I hear youre working today. To keep you entertained, ive compiled a list of condiments that my dick has NOT been slathered in since last Friday: Relish, and raspberry jam. That's right.
Here's how he asked the pregnant girl for a cigarette. Hey yo prego throw me a square. Not joking.
It just makes me feel nauseous. And I don't want to feel nauseous when all I really want is to get off.
Got drunk and passed out flintstone vitamins to everyone at the bar. I'm just so god damn motherly
You humped everything and cried in an uber.
Adulthood is weird i just cleared a check larger than my gross income from 2011 but i also just did coke during my lunch break
So, just how hungover are you?
Not at all, surprisingly.
That has to be your X-Men power.
How was that girls surprise party last night?
Got absolutely destroyed tried to put somebody's leather jacket on and make out with their mother. You know.. the norm
Randomize
