U dropped me off n it hit me, i made it inside for exactly shit thirty on the nose, another minute n i would of had brown trowsers
I wish costco sold astroglide.
i wish my brain was less awake, and didn't try and picture what you were talking about.
I'm going to write a book about John. It's going to be called big dreams, little dick
So some girl kept staring at me and giving me these weird looks. That's when I realized she could probably hear the Mulan soundtrack playing on my iPod...
Im telling you now. Hang out with winning football players and you get whatever the hell you want. Sorry to wake you. But its important knowledge.
He passed out mid-signature
Turns out vomit takes off spray tan.
Just suggested things for my dad to get my mom for Christmas in terms of "yeah you'll get laid."
She said we should all be mermaids since didn't breathe for 9 months inside our mothers. I want her logic.
Mike is worried about me going on a cruise in June without him....how cute he thinks we are going to last till June
I had to rip your toilet paper for you...
I think I was the only one who knew you were acting like you weren't drunk in public issues discussion this morning. Make sure you thank me in your Academy Award Speech someday.
Dude, did you know, your blood is contaminated with over 17 non-beer fluids?
He's mad at me because I said I wouldn't date him if his dick was smaller. I fail to see the issue
If I had any lingering questions about my sexuality, the strip club tonight verified I'm 100% gay
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