well if you came here i would keep you awake :*
did you just kiss me??? ... dude, im not gay
I just had to take a drug test for my new job. I should have asked them if they could tell me if I were pregnant or not while they were at it and save me the guesswork.
I checked into jail on foursquare
it's so much work when my dad takes my car to get fixed, i had to take out the bottles, condoms, and my pipe
Could someone please kill snooki before she contributes to the gene pool.
Of course, I believed he would find me irrestible...sloppy drunk, chugging from a bottle of chardonnay, and completely naked because those kids stole my clothes as I was swimming on their private beach
There should be a blender full of rum, tea, and grape jelly in the freezer. She thought it was a good idea until she blew chunks.
There's nothing I can say to make me pepper spraying you any better
The horrors my penis has endured I wouldn't wish upon any man.
I just Tebowed the shit out of her.
Nice and you can't use "Tebow" in the place of every verb.
Bring gay.
By that I meant the rum. I just realized that my request made no sense. You always bring gay.
It just wouldn't be valentines day if i didn't invite 90% of the guys i've slept with to go to the strip club with me
Why did I puke in my shower caddy last night
I woke up in Brittany's thong, Tony's shirt, and an oven mitt
It was big, black, and had a smiley face tattooed on it. It was the perfect penis.
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