he was walking around the bar drinking wild turkey and gobbling simultaneously
im at a party in sweatpants, slippers, and a basketball jersey from the eighth grade, 10 bucks says im still getting laid
how do you say "fuck me and leave bruises" in italian?
So....maintenance found the bullethole.....
I'm not leaving bed today. And i guess my drunken ass last night hit my roommate in the face with a tiki torch then proceeded to cry while carrying around a picture of he who must not being name. I'm a piece of work.
I just woke up and my mouth tastes like I licked the bathroom floor in the last ghetto bar we were in. I'm going to get my mouth checked for chlamydia. Do I see a dentist for that?
You don't have anything to lose--we've established that he's not going to murder you and he smells good.
David pulled a magic mike again and started stripping on every street sign we passed.
My boyfriend just asked what time I was coming over. As soon as my old BF unchains me. I think he ran away.
Sweet tea and masterbation. It's how I manage.
It got quiet and we all stood around and opened the box and I've never seen so many burritos in my life man. it was fucking biblical.
Also topless tea is a thing that happens in our apartment. Ready yourself.
I walked into the living room this morning and he was there with 3 shots in a row. He said it was "tea time."
was his pinky out?
Thirty seconds is a long time in jizz time...
Did I see you at the bar last night?
Yes. You just kept grabbing my boobs and saying how much better they are than yours...
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