I wish I was a guy so I could jack myself off anytime I wanted to
i am literally watching eva make a trashbag diaper for you to sleep in tonight. whole new level of low for you.
If I die tonight. Just know that chicken I made fuckin ruled. Recipe: Chicken with a shitload oF spice
Hello you've reached the get a clue corp. Our business hours are from take a hint to figure it out, eastern standard time. If you prefer to leave a message, don't, call back when you're not crazy, fat, and annoying.
Lightning struck the tree right outside of her window as I came inside her. I think its God's way of saying go by plan b.
this lesbian fantasy crush is getting WAY out of hand. just spent an entire meeting staring at her long fingers thinking, "oh those could be fun"
A man pulled out his penis last night and when I said I wouldn't touch it, he said, "that's fine it just needs to breathe".
we found you in the kitchen at five am trying to make a vodka omelette. you said you didn't want to live in a world where your two favourite things couldn't be together.
The ranger made you choose between a ticket and pouring all the beer out since it was a state park.
I've never seen you that close to tears as you poured out 30 beers.
Apparently I taped knives to my hands and made everyone call me wolverine
She was totally amazed that i had the pizza delivery timed to coincide with our nooner and that the delivery boy knew where the broom closet on the 3rd floor was.
FYI the blow job was for papa johns pizza
I regret 8000% nothing
Having sex with my girlfriend wearing my old Tom Brady jersey on the day he's freed is the closest I'll come to a 3way with Tom
All I wanted was to die alone with my dogs....how did I end up here
I don't know if I should laugh or punch you
My boobs look fucktastic, I have a booty call on Sunday and a dick photo on my phone. Life is grand!
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