I'm playing wingman, but I want to pull a Goose and die.
I just typed 14 shots of Smirnoff into my calorie count toolbar. Then typed pole dancing 1.5hrs into the calorie burner search. Should break even.
I honestly didn't see the problem playing beer pong In the car on the road trip home.
I'm still tasting pancake mix. I think this may actually be a serious medical problem...
Jameson and I invented street rugby last night. Yeah
Just showered now I smell like berries instead of shame
I made a wizard staff out of Keystone light... I am therefore the smoothest wizard in all of our university's history.
In case you're wondering where my head is at right now, it's wishing that I was getting laid and not having a debate about cheese.
According to facebook, I opened up a can of whupass on some douche who poured all the vodka on the ground.
You called the wrong number but I salute you.
Omg have I shown you my skeezy ex fiancée?
The other one.
Being in nursing school really pays off when your dealer tries to pass off naproxen as Percocet. Like I may have made a C in pharm but I aced the pain drug test
Just had to read the instructions to my microwave. How am I so high?
I'm a delicate orchid of a man.
Blossoming into a fierce dragon.
St. Patty's shenanigans tmrw? I wanna meet dudes lol. Why stop at coronavirus when you can get the clap, too?
death, taxes, and me drunk texting you are 3 certainties in life
Randomize
