3 of us had 22 margaritas. Hellllllo yellow cab. Goodbye morals.
Dude, I just saw a bird vs. squirrel fight. A car won.
I just came out of my doctor's office and i look into the window and i see a guy sitting in the front seat getting head.
why are you so shocked? you live in brooklyn.
you told everyone your name was brenda and you had the whole party chanting b-dawgg by the end of the night. successful.
i just sold a bong and some oregano to fifth graders for sixty dollars. doing something tonight?
i'm getting the "you hooked up with my friends" speech from him. i'm returning with the "gotta keep my quota up" speech
that's like... drinking popov and saying its the worlds best vodka. you gotta try some others first. THERE SHOULD BE A MISS AMERICA PAGEANT. but like, mr penis. and they can do tricks and make unintelligent remarks and wear sparkly condoms.
Omg. The nephews found my stripper pole. The scary part is theyre good at it.
There is is 40 year old penis staring me in the face right now if there was ever a time to be a good friend its right now.
Well his arms broken so they only cuffed his good wrist to his belt. That's how he cast smacked me in custody.
You pissed off the back deck while listening to the national anthem from your phone screaming America Fuck Yea to my neighbors
I just can't have sex in the car again. it's just too much
WHEN THE HELL DOES ANYTHING IN OUR LIVES *EVER* GO AS PLANNED???
yea, she was legit pissed that her rasberry vodka ice cubes never actually froze. but we couldnt convince her otherwise.
I was running because his wife invited me to join them on their kinky Vegas weekend. Crossing state lines is too much commitment for me.
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