Also, I'm sitting at a crosswalk watching two Mexican gangs fight each other. I miss you too. A lot.
that shirt you're wearing that says "officially single" makes me think you'll be that way for a really long fucking time.
Probably, but last night was a special kind of drunk. It was a "let's see how drunk I can get without killing myself" drunk.
Wearing the BK Crown on the throne while dropping the kids off at the pool? Yes, one of my life's goals. Win
He says he quit drinking. I'd like to have a moment of silence for losing the best drunken hookup ever. We will build a memorial to his awesome cock.
my mom found me passed out in the kitchen floor with the Brita pitcher.. Happy Mothers Day
Whatever you do tomorrow don't let me put on the Borat mankini and yell "POLAR PLUNGE!!" while diving into the pool
The pool is covered.....
Like that would stop me.
Go to a building you've never been before and take a shit. It's marvelous
I hate college football. It's really fucking with our phone sex schedule.
It isn't about the beer pong. It is about the destruction of the patriarchy.
How does one tell their boyfriend they're pregnant with someone else's kid??
Remember those two guys in our frat that would no homo everything? I just got an invitation to their wedding.
I finally realized he drank way too much when he tried serenading me to the song "come my lady" while slowly and creepily making his way toward me...keeping constant eye contact.
I might be a bit late, couldn't find my pants and had to go to the police station. Unrelated
Drunk me made cabbage burritos at 1am after going to hustler hollywood.\nI bought socks. Lol
Randomize
