he just tried to lick my eyebrow. thats the deal breaker.
The bubbles in my bathtub are singing to me in german....
walkin around the woods blazed, drawing pictures of trees and plants, i get a grade for this
Instead of just putting in it he asked "will you do the honors?" it was the cutest thing I had ever heard before sex.
You know, it's scary to think that someday I might buy a pregnancy test with pride, not at 2am...
Last night the nurse at the ER told me that she wished all her drunk patients were like me. Then she commented on my socks...
She was surprised when she saw all our living room furniture was made from old kegs. It's like she's never met us before...
Just remembered getting lost in a "shortcut" through yards and GPSing my way home last night
In my defense, last night's hookup turned out to be my actual girlfriend. That's gotta count for something, right?
I don't know man, I have to ask my girlfriend if I can borrow my balls from her purse.
Probably gonna run and pray I throw up. Then go get a coffee/bagel & continue to rally
I had a dream that you were telling me how good you are at parkour and legit you were doing it just like Michael Scott...
i just want to cuddle, make out and maybe have a boob grabbed but no. someone has to have mono.
Drunk. Come get me. Out front blue shirt.
Where are you? And you borrowed my shirt. I know what you're wearing. How wasted are you?
Hotel
WHICH HOTEL??
I am a taco. I am also really high.
I've always seen you more as a chimichanga.
Randomize
