I forgot how ruthlessly advertising works on me when I'm high.
sex in a ball pit. and I thought ghandi did great things.
I just remembered I gave $20 to a bum last nite. Philanthropy events always make me do stupid shit.
Just spent a extra 20 minutes on the phone with the lady from unemployment talking about how to make the best brownies.
Just had a handjob preempted by a huge bolt of static electricity leaping from her fingertip to my sack. I hate this time of year.
She counted 5,6,7,8 then intentionally kneed herself in the eye numerous times.
Someone please drive out to my house to bring me a beer.. There are some in the fridge but I just can't get up
It wasn't like a party or anything. They played PlayStation and talked about sports. Then I threw up on his porch.
how do you not remember that?! you winked at the bouncer and then proceeded to grind on him while chugging a beer. i don't know if i should be proud or embarrassed to be your friend
They should just send me home - I'm literally doing nothing but watching porn and listening to pandora.
Because I'm a hot mess throwing up in the litter box
I feel like there is something fundamentally wrong with me as a woman. My initial text to you was "What's up, fuck bucket?"
I'm 99% sure I just flashed my dad with my vagina. So that's the new low now.
I was walking back to the dorm and was made fun of for wearing a coat. I'M SORRY I CARE ABOUT MY WELL BEING.
Just woke up to find that I'd left a stove burner on for the past 6 hours or so. I'm now banned from Ambien cooking.
Randomize
