so hey instead of everyone buying me a birthday present can everyone just pitch in for my abortion?
I don't know if the fire truck was perfect timing or if she actually burned something down.
Why is there a cactus in the microwave?
Don't worry about it.
Sorry I fell asleep again. I'm in the shower now. Door is unlocked. Condoms are in my desk. I want your game face on for when I get out.
God that barista is texting me bout his life like i care i mean dude just hook me up with free coffee thats why i gave you my number
Exactly. So he deserves crazy "thanks for keeping me out of jail" sex. Or an "I'm glad your excessive cocaine habit had some positive outcomes" blowjob.
Cavemen vs astronauts. weapons to be determined. Who would win?
This is going to ruin my future wedding planner career, but isn't it better the groom knows he's gay BEFORE he gets married?
i know i shouldn't tell you this since i want you to really like me but i just spent the last 4 hours sleeping on the toilet.
I have the starring role in a literal shit show.
this relationship shit is hard. like i'd like to be able to watch veep without him trying to dry hump me. also im drunk and its 11 am so
He literally stole all the change that was on my floor and ran away while I was peeing. I have to rethink my standards.
How do you get the "hangs out with drunk assholes" insurance
Getting so old my power naps are turning into, "can I reasonably just go to bed at this time?"
I forget how to act sober
Randomize
