About me waking up with a tatto of a hamster with a top hat ?
hey.....beach week happens
GOOD IDEA: Stealing the bike a couple blocks away so I don't have to walk. BAD IDEA: riding bike for the first time in years drunk as hell. I'm bleeding and my body hurts and once again I can't find my car.
The stories of what you did in Cuba got home before you.
I'm actually agreeing with glenn beck. What the FUCK was in that margarita?!
I made weed fried chicken. What have you done today?
I wish there was a non slutty way to ask the guys across the hall if i can copy their men's bathroom key so I have one for my one night stands
cheating on your boyfriend is the best diet ever, I've barely eaten in days. The guilt is killing me
I'm thinking we can stop tracking my sex life by the hotels I've hooked up in and instead use bar bathrooms I've gotten head in.
I'm concerned I'll look like a hooker on new years eve in this outfit
There are different standards on new years eve. To look like a hooker you literally need to be giving a guy head on the street while he's handing you cash.
She's like an enigma, wrapped in a riddle, tossed in miller light, inside a question. Nobody can explain a Heather.
I unknowingly motorboated my boyfriend's ex-gf last night. Yay me!
We should just do therapy together, clearly we have all the same issues. It's why we are friends.
He lit a candle for the mood and ended up lighting my hair on fire while we were hooking up...moodkiller
You started yelling about vegans ruining the world. Because we drove past some cows eating grass.
Oh god...Did I just fuck a sugar granddaddy?!
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