Can I have the boy from 16 and pregnant's next baby???
It's like Facebook knows when I'm about to masturbate and tells me to reconnect with exes.
do you think having her use a clorox disinfecting wipe on her vagina will keep me from getting her herpes if I don't have a condom?
thanks for texting me "so many asians" at 1am...
there were a lot.
we didnt even have break up sex...
you had it for us with someone else...
Im covered in vodka and melted gummys. Fuck summer.
The security guard popped his head over the mens room door and goes "nice tits- now get out." Deer in headlights moment right there.
Maybe before the beach I should get a tracking chip in my arm.
captain cockblock got me again last night so i put a squirrel in his room and jamed the door shut
just found out I was hugging strangers at the bar last night. there's photographic evidence. I know none of them
Then his buddy called and said "my car broke down, I need a ride. If I'm not home by midnight they'll extend my house arrest." And I knew it was time to leave.
Nothing like sitting at your midterm pissed at yourself because you put your graphing calculator batteries in your vibrator and forgot to put them back in before the exam 😑
I don't care how hot she was. She didn't like Scooby Doo and I don't fuck with that.
Apparently I thanked the paramedics over and over again for saving the "happy new year" beads that I was wearing
Gameplan: If the cops show up, find a potted plant to hide behind... It's worked before!
Randomize
