I had a dream that chipotle was out of burritos... Was more like a nightmare.. Gotta go make sure it wasn't real now
I'd really appreciate it if we could dress up as pilgrims and indians for the thanksgiving eve bar crawl
I'm really tired of your booty call eating my fruity pebbles.
And there might be a gallon of sangria without the lid on the floor in your room. Just be careful when you open the door.
I'd like to thank you fucktards for dumping the WHOLE box of Tricuits in my bed after I passed out.
Does it qualify as sexting if you're both pretending to be fictional characters?
I'm not sure whether to be proud of you or weirded out.
He's like a fucking cake pop, the greatest thing in the world while it lasts, but it never lasts for long enough
I just need to stop hanging out with girls who drink wine coolers.
Should I get the rainbow boxer breifs???
As your boyfriend, this is a level of gay that even I can't handle.
He yelled "Go Ducks" while he came
I was on antibiotics for a bladder infection and couldn't drink and you told me there was no longer room in your life for me.
not only was there glitter in the toilet after i peed, but there was some on the toilet paper after i wiped. this cant be healthy.
This is the Front Desk Lady from the Saturolite Inn. Your friend is passed out in the lobby. Please come help her.
Is it sad that I just pissed sitting down so I didn't have to stop eating doritos?
Is it acceptable to bring pot to a funeral or am I going to have to do this shit sober?
Randomize
