My dad just drunkly made a toast in front of my entire extended family "to my daughter the recent and sucessful college and to my son the drunken whore-monger"
I'm playing with the baby I just found in your kitchen
A guy in a sombrero stopped to take a picture with me sitting on the curb.
Can I get a DUI with a shopping cart? I've nearly hit 2 displays and little girl...
Oh my god, I hid a wine bottle in my boot.
I jumped on his cock in 2 seconds flat. Thanks mom for sending me to gymnastics when I was a kid.
She's going to get preggers, drop out of school, and end up working at mcdonalds. Great for our mcdoubles habit but bad for her future.
Heaven was on the 3rd floor and Hell was on the first. When the cop walked up he was confused as to who the noise complaint was for and wrote both apartments a noise violation.
Great way to live...just blowing loads on upholstery
I didn't get a chance to take any pics but the mental snapshot of her boyfriend calling her directly after we finished was a really special moment I wish I could properly share with you.
So tomorrow I have my performance review with my boss who I banged. When I go in should I ask if this review will be rating my sex or work performance?
It's amazing how hard it it while drunk to not comment "fuck you" on dumb peoples' statuses
I mean I'm sad it didn't work out but tbh he he can't unlick my booty hole or unbreak his headboard... He won't forget my name ever
Never go drinking with anime club. End of story.
Just do what I do and listen to your vagina. She’ll growl when she smells good dick
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