Aren't I supposed to sit on your face?
So am i just your go-to 'i found a tick on my penis' number?
Our logic class started an hour ago, I walked out and found my sister drunk, sitting down, eating m&ms, afraid to walk in... I want her life
just letting you know, you took a hit of the blunt while sleeping. happy birthday
shes making a cheerios necklace using dental floss 'just in case' she gets the munchies later
You're doing a terrible job of letting me hook up with girls vicariously through you.
How was it playing wingman?
I feel like I was rockys coach watching him get the shit beaten out of him by Apollo creed
I don't understand why she gets annoyed by my drunk texts. It means she's who I'm thinking about even when my brain isn't functioning properly.
Is it inappropriate to be Drs. Willy Fister and Jess Hewill as a couples costume for Halloween?
Oh we're gynecologists
Technically, I traded a soft pretzel for sex last night...
Do you know how much wine is in a box of wine? Not so much an amount, but whether it will kill me if I drink the entire box this xmas
Hey, thanks for not calling the cops when I answered the door naked, high as fuck, and covered in red velvet cake batter.
You carved your initals into all my vitamins and said "now a small part of me will be in you every morning" before you fell asleep with my thong on your head.
I just opened my travel toothbrush holder and it smelled like vodka...maybe a vodka cranberry. This says a lot about my vacations.
I feel like I purchased a one way ticket to hell last night and its non refundable.
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