She described it as "a squirrel being hit by a hurricane"
I hope i woe up in your car, or else i stole someone elses and slept in the back seat
just went trash diving in my work clothes for weed. A&E's intervention here i come.
I heard from anne today. She has a broken collarbone and is knocked up. Apparently florida is awesome
My dad is drinking wine out of a measuring cup. This explains so much.
maybe i'll make good life choices and keep my legs closed. periodically txt me friday and saturday night saying "baby carrot round 2" that should stop me.
they had to hand cuff you because you wouldn't stop trying to unzip the paramedic's pants...this is why i love you
Ohhh,that's true. Babies are only fun when you're high. Otherwise, they're the worst kind of people.
I told her shower beers are even better when you have someone in there with you and she said she's been looking for a new drinking buddy. It's a goooooo
Why is my car covered in what appears to be salsa verde?
I still don't know why she was so offended when I emerged from the bathroom and told her my balls were now clean.
I feel like my vagina was just in a fistfight.
The contents of my fridge consist of alcohol, Nuva ring, and cheesecake. I'm that girl.
Its only once in a life time you get to pick your vcard swiper up from jail
I just found my phone after looking for it since yesterday afternoon it was in the fridge.
Randomize
