oh my god, i just wanna eat cake off your dick
Fair warning.. porn on your laptop when you turn it on.. seemed like a wonderful idea last night.. until it died
Don't be a smartass. I'm trying to fuck a guy who's sober. It's more difficult than you think.
maybe next time you shouldn't be drinking alone watching intervention at 3 am and no one would think you needed an intervention.
I have sand in every orifice, there are bruises everywhere, and I smell like a distillery. I love summer.
He's still filling me in on the details. mid-table dance i asked to go water skiing?
Just shook hands with the bud light truck driver, thanked him for his service to our country
Uh yeah. I ate a brick of cheese. Didn't even cut it. We were admiring the teeth marks I was leaving. We decided it was the negative of my mouth
I walked into the kitchen and twelve of them were just staring at the oven. Freshmen are the weirdest drunks ever.
Yes. Be the home wrecker you've always dreamed of being.
she shotgunned a can of v8, threw the can on the ground and said, "fuck bitches get money" then passed out on the spot
College has done two things for me. Given me the confidence to blow my nose in public and shit in public
Tinder in Coventry is like browsing a gallery of mugshots from Azkaban
so like
i may have gotten a little bit of blood in the charging port of my phone
just passed a kid drinking a beer at 2pm. clearly it's the last day of break.
Randomize
