i just walked into a room at this party and someone yelled "dibs!"...
Yeah she is in it for the money, wait til she finds out i am broke and the sex doesnt get better
you were sitting on my toliet with a double cheesburger in your hand asking me how the cheeseburger even got there.
almost just walked around my whole building with my bowl in my hand before i remembered 420 isnt a get out of jail free card
My wrist bandage is guacamole stained. What an accurate representation of my life as a whole
She walked in, looked at the bed, sniffed, sighed, and went to grab her cleaning supplies. I'd say she knows.
I think off duty cops drove me home. I may have been hitchhiking
Whiskey shot with bacon bits, our version of Goldschlager WE ARE TRYIN IT.
Why would you fall asleep? This is why i cant drink with my lesbian friends anymore. They take my clothes off and get vodka in my top ramen. Only yoouuu can prevent forest fires.
I drunkenly transformed into shehulk last night and lifted every single guy off the ground bc one guy told me that there was no way I was strong enough. Don't worry, I proved them wrong. Stupid stereotypical men.
Sweating vodka and spray tan, I feel like a trophy wife.
I'm still in my ugly sweater and underwear drinking coffee next to a plate of assorted treats we stole from the party. I got a new sweater by the way, its shoulderpad-y and looks like a news anchor got thrown up on by Liberace. I'm pretty proud.
Yeah we were on bar number 7 on our bike trail and you decided to steal my bike and we found you 20 minutes later eating Cheetos in the shallow end of your parents pool
You said "this is only my eighth drink" with like 6 separate drinks
I guarantee you he will only fuck with old bitches from now on
Randomize
