she looks like stephen colbert with that blond wig he was wearing last night.
Random fact of the day: cum is a really good eye makeup remover
Sorry for scaring your son with my drunken animal impressions
I'm honestly too sad to drink and hang out with strippers. This breakup sucks.
You wouldnt be able to explain the can of green beans in my mailbox, would you?
Just found the cutest bag of coke under my bed. I'm going to get fucked up and bleach the cat vomit out of my sheets.
Don't forget: you only show your tits for the good beads. Be judicious.
Sex-sore abs and my workout pants have gravel stains on the knees. It's like the workout of shame.
Well, I made it all the way to the gas station. And from there, I begged a cab driver who was parked outside, to give me a piggy back ride the final 2 blocks to my apartment. I wasn't in the cab. Didn't have to pay. Drunk me is smart, and very lazy.
A baby just tried to pull out his mom's huge tits at work today and nearly succeeded. I was silently cheering for the little guy.
I'm pretty sure that's why we have such good sex because we are secretly trying to kill each other
She's eating hot cheetos out of the bag with chopsticks, Matt, how is she NOT my soulmate?
"They let me see the x-ray. My nose is broken. I saw it. It was cool. Well, I guess it would be cooler if it wasn't my nose."
We were too tired to finish having sex so we just stopped to eat the cheesecake and passed out. I didn't mind
I really prefer to do my walks of shame in the summer
Randomize
