Do you know my vagina holds 14 pints of water?
Just found my mom passed out in my bed holding a bag of wine. Not sure if I'm ashamed or proud.
Do you recall us playing flip cup on your head?
I take your lack of response to mean that your hands are taped to 40 ounces of something.
I just saw a dude sitting IN a bush, weeping and playing a harmonica. I hope your day is going better than his.
Not sure if this is better or worse than the discovery that bourbon and hot chocolate is a viable combo
He took the Gold in Olympic clit licking last night. Canada should be proud.
The cop actually kicked the bitches out of the cab so we could get ours. I flipped them all off as the door was shutting. That drunk.
Hey by the way did you notice my third nipple in my snapchat
I am one with the molecules
Cocaine and dance dance revolution for 4 hours. I consider last night a success.
I just woke up in the closet wearing nothing but a Santa hat.
I think I just saw my socks in the parking lot.. gonna keep walking
I'm not sure what happened. There's a frozen waffle in the floor and he's walking around with a curtain rod and making planes out of bread slices...
My bald co-worker just chugged a literal gallon of coffee. My condolences to his kidneys.
Randomize
