What is this red stuff in a water bottle in my fridge that's labeled "not for baby turtles"?
dude last night I threw my weed into my back yard. there is now a foot of snow. after an hour I found my weed. if I put that effort into school, i'd have a 4.0.
And as far as being fat goes I just did like 20 minutes of p90x and now i'm eating frosting out of the container....
I feel like after all he sees, the dog needs to get baptized.
Some drunk couple just made out on the sidewalk and it reminded me some sweet moments we have shared...
It's been two weeks and I still have carpet burns on my knees. Well done.
Is there a fine for having sex in the back of a zipcar?
It was that same situation where "cuddling on the floor" was actually just code for "rough shameful hate sex" hahaha.
im eating mac and cheese with a makeup brush. there is wayyyyy too much wrong with this night.
Every pair of shorts I try on makes me look like some kind of powerful lesbian wizard.
That is like, the point of shorts
I hooked up with a guy dressed as Wesley from the Princess Bride. I kept telling him what I wanted him to do and all he would say was "as you wish"
So I woke up with a terribly bandaged finger an then discovered a pot of bloody onions on the stove.....who the fuck decided it was a good idea for me to try and cook
We're trying to make our wedding vows nice but meeting on OkCupid fucks that up entirely.
Im wearing black today mourning the orgasm i couldn't get this morning :(
You know why I love being a regular at this bar? It's because at a certain point last call is only a suggestion.
Randomize
