I wish Morgan Freeman narrated my life.
Hulk Hogan has now convinced 2 women to marry him & I have yet to have a successful or healthy relationship. I am officially depressed.
do you think the kids from 7th heaven are mad that dennis and sweet dee are their half-brother and sister?
The bar posted my picture because my name changes with each new fake i get. i'm getting a wig.
This girl caught me staring at the cat but stroking the computer because it was closer, which is why I hate blunts.
This day sucks. I just wanna play ostrich and bury my head in your boobs.
If you already knew specifically that I was smoking a bowl in my remodeled bathroom AND THEN still wanted to initiate sexting, please proceed to the altar and marry me this instant.
I'm sorry but if you can't drink a bottle of wine without a glass, I do not think we can be friends.
So yeah, my old kindergarten teacher just asked me who gave me the hickies on me neck.
When dealing with embarassing medical issues, don't you want your brother's wife to be the one fishing around up your ass?
Puked in my purse on my Uber ride home last night. Safe to say it's not a good idea to beer bong a whole bottle of wine.
I just found vampire teeth and a moustache in my purse. do you know why?
Honestly his girlfriend says she hates me cause she thinks im trying to get him to cheat on her with me...she should hate me cause i already accomplished that.
God... We're terrible. I'm so proud of us.
I know! It makes me feel all warm inside. Or maybe that's just me getting closer to hell.
i haven't seen you in two years and we have like 16 hours, all i want is cuddles, wine, and some light groping
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