you dont need to remember merediths name haha. only jane
Woke up in a pool of alcohol sweat. Probably could wring out my sheets and make a decent cocktail.
I feel like one of those toads that you lick to get high or find a prince.... cept when you lick me you find a drunk whore.
she was like a sexier Rosie O'Donnel
im contemplating emailing my dad and telling him how worthless i am and how sorry i am that he pays for my life...aka my bar tabs.
i think i'd rather have a trophy of a like jizz stained curtain or something
I love you more with every blowjob.
You should write for Hallmark.
Well, most of my extended family doesnt know about my love for the penis, so they dont have a reason to disown me
we got kicked out of the bar last night for sneaking into the back kitchen and eating handfulls of cheese in the walk in fridge
He still texted me and invited me over a day later so I guess I'm the lovable kind of psycho
I just formed the "shit on a tree in Chicago club." And I feel awful about it.
How did you end up breaking into that laundromat at 3am? I saw the snapchat but like..... How?
ugh, my whole family is going ape shit over my sister's pregnancy blog. I dont get it? Anyone can get knocked up! I had rebound sex with a new york ranger last night, now that is something to fucking blog about.
You some how ended up sleeping on one of the beams that run along the ceiling of your house
I’m going to Lewinsky this place
That makes no sense, but it sounds terrifying
PROBABLY?!! And here I was, about to buy you a glow-in-the-dark banana-flavored cock ring... Now I "probably" won't.
Randomize
