He said he was from Mississippi and my vagina clamped shut like a frightened oyster
I'm going to write a book about John. It's going to be called big dreams, little dick
I'm at the store buying plan b and vodka
the cocktail of hope
mom took my condoms, found one in the trash the next day
I know she was great
I drank gravy. I actually drank gravy. This is heaven.
You are an asshole
haha sleeping beauty awakes.
Where did you find this costume?
My tally is now official: I have been drunk every weekend since 2008. Cheers.
Ok seriously I'm living off of bologna but I have 4 handles in the freezer.
What kind of gift says: "I love you because you're my mom & I'm obligated to, but I don't like you" ?
just woke up under a car ? That's odd
Holy fucking shit
WAIT BUT IM WEARING A BACKPACK THAT MAGICALLY HAS 30 BEERS IN IT
Classic dick move. Breaking up your buddies 3-some by coming into his room and doing the Harlem Shake.
You poured a bottle of water into the salad bowl and said "bowls are a joke" and then poured it into your lap.
at what point last night did i get this tattoo of an anchor made of dicks?
around eleven
The dude we met that gave us weed sent me a video of his balls covering the sun like a solar eclipse
god i just can't wait for finals to end so i can just masturbate all day and night
Randomize
