In retrospect, pretending to punch a 9 year old girl in the face was a terrible analogy to use in a piano lesson.
I have no morals, kinda like you have no standards
None
I now officially know the distance between my two boobs is one twizzler.
Sorry for scaring your son with my drunken animal impressions
I vaguely remember taking a shit behind the shed before I started puking over the fence. No more Xanax.
You want anything?
Gatorade and you naked.
So he says "my girlfriends coming over so you have to leave but I love you"
I don't know how I'm going to know it's her, I only know what she looks like with a wig on
SHE COULD ALREADY BE HERE AND I WOULDN'T EVEN KNOW
Didn't know where your dishes went. Put em in the bathtub. They're stacked taller than you. It's like modern art.
Knows all the good gay bars AND has a dog? Wtf can't I drop pizza on guys like that????
if happy hour never ends, you’ll never have to eat kale
I danced shirtless on a platform with a fucking stripper who went to MIT
I shamewalked barefoot this morning and the Dos Equis delivery guy judged the shit out of me.
THERE ARE LEGITLY 4 SEPARATE BITE MARKS ON MY DICK. WHAT. THE. FUCK.
Legitimately*
Go fuck yourself
You were drinking tequila through a straw.. and kept waving your arms at me and getting this intense stare down as you muttered something about jedi mind tricks.
Randomize
