i took a field sobriety test yesterday. a crowd gathered, watched me pass it and applauded. then the cops arrested me because i took a bow and fell over.
i love beer. I convinced myself that I'm going to ace the exam tomorrow. I can't even do that when I actually study.
She guessed my name 9 times, and 5 of those times she guessed Mike. Figured that'd be an easy target for the night.
A lesson I learned in the hospital....when you masturbate while attached to a heart monitor, it scares the nurses a lot.
Just pulled over to throw up in a day care parking lot while the kids were outside playing. The adults were mortified.
why the fuck would he compare you to sexy aquatic creatures?
I am soup sandwich. I have been at dAnce party
Yeah, I wouldn't mind getting fingered in the corner of a dive bar again.
I always "accidentally" drop a condom and make sure she sees it's a magnum. By the time I'm inside her and she realizes how small I am, it's all over in a flash and I'm done. Plus, they never call back so I never have to see the girl ever again. #gratefulforprematuretinypenis
We are planning a drunk snapchat treasure hunt for tomorrow, and the treasure is his penis, this is a game I'm not willing to loose.
I sewed up my pants, stole his girlfriends white shirt, and went to work hungover like a responsible adult.
At least is you came to Milwaukee to visit me you'd get the best mind blowing sex of your life and free wifi. Who doesn't want free wifi!
I know you're aving fun across the room but I can clearly see you getting a handy. It's not as "low key" as she promised. Also, why are you texting while she's doing it?!
I accidentally gave my prayer card to the bouncer. Clearly a cry for help #saveme
She super glued his penis to his testicles. And shaved off a good portion of his hair after he passed out at the party.
Randomize
