Di me a solid and hit me with your car.
My phone has seen less use in the last three days than Tom Brady's condoms.
It's like a choose-your-own-adventure. But the adventure is already chosen for you. And it sucks.
There's a girl in front of me with a see through white shirt on and her back says I suck bad dick. Fun night hun?
i just put all of my beerlympics medals into my academic awards box. i would say they are my greatest achievement since college.
I'm at the gas station where we got beef jerky and condoms. The fact that those two are in the same sentence makes me love you more.
I keep having to have that awkward "I don't want to have sex with you" convo. I thought wearing sweatpants was suppose to prevent this situation..
What wine did you feed Jack? Might not want to waste the good stuff on kitties. Kitties only get box wine.
We bought only tequila and Twister. And you're STILL surprised you got pregnant?
All I want is to get as high as I did that time I started hallucinating that my brother was becoming a monkey and I saw my mum on every surface of your room.
I've been on the toilet for an hour. On a six day bender. My ass feels like its leaking vodka
I am the only person I know ever to have been brought TO the bar in the back of a cop a car. Twice.
I just realized how terrible that was... I was drumming on your penis to a song about Baby Jesus.
I sprayed his whole room with my perfume and left lots of my hair on the bed. So now if he does bring her home, the bitch will know this territory is marked.
I'm at work behind the bar and just washed my mouth out with rumple bc I don't have a toothbrush. This may be a new low.
Randomize
