saw my dad's penis on the x-ray last night. at least his hip wasn't broken
absolutely not. he will always be that kid that threw up a ham and cheese sandwich in fourth grade to me.
It would be been irresponsible not to make cleaning the apartment into a drinking game
We went to his house and he brought a jar of pickles to bed. I think im in love.
From what I remember, he had one ball. But it was cute
at roughly 3:30am you called me saying you were gonna start a big game of strip twister in politics class and i was your partner.
That is correct. I did in fact somehow pass out in the tanning booth for over an hour. And yes the attendant did have to open it up and shake me awake.
I promise a much better performance tomorrow than last night my penis has a bed time
if i got ashes i think they'd burn a hole into my head with the amount of sins i've committed this year alone and it's only february
I feel like you guys are talking about real things and have real problems and I'm just over here like 'should I take muscle relaxers or get drunk tonight?'
Last time Jon threw a party I woke up on my porch, no shirt but 4 bras on, and "make better life choices" written on my stomach in sharpie
I called my mom while I was blackout drunk, and told her I was drunk, safe, and happy. But really, I was just drunk.
Yeah I'm just gonna shower and drink a gallon of coffee and drunkenly write my research paper. It'll be fine
I'm sitting alone in a bar pretending to watch football because I don't know where the liquor store is around here and I'll be god damned I'm going to be sober on my day off.
I have a lot of money, and no morals. shots on you when you get here.
Randomize
