um. i met him on myspace...we text now, he lives down the street
just woke up and this girl had my cellphone nestled in the front of her thong. i kept thinking "is this a trap?"
I didn't have a rubber, but my dick had a date with a clorox wipe after we finished. I think I'm in the clear.
he said i was chugging vodka in the parking lot, gave my # to a married man, started a food fight, and passed out at the bar. how could he NOT consider that a good first date???
What's the point in getting all dressed up and going when i'm just gonna throw up on myself by midnight?
So I'm on the can right now reading a court transcript for an appeal. Some dude is paying $155 an hour for me to take a shit.
i guess it wasn't a booty call since he got home from the club at 6:00 am... he told me to consider it morning sex
She wants an explanation of my cousins creepy foot fetish with my god sister. i don't know how I can sum this up in a text.
she tried to douche with champagne. in front of all of us. unabashedly.
She's planning a December wedding, I'm planning on a June breakup.
We just weren't working out together, on a completely unrelated note some guy that i talked to on his grinder account said i could crash at his place
I envy your ninja level of don't give a fuck
Fuck you, I'm yelling at a mountain right now
It's like sleep walking but with blowjobs
you hit your head on the sneeze guard and passed out at Pizza Hut they called the police
u woke up and asked who took ur pants off then realized u did n almost cried over not gettin layed
Randomize
